Welcome back for the second episode of "The Face," entitled "Model Warfare." Joining me for tonight's screening is none other than my mother Judy, who will be peppering this recap with some feisty Old World banter. Mom has brought along a trough of Goldfish crackers, which she insists on munching throughout the show, so apologies if this recap is more tense than usual.
We open up in the model apartment. Christy is telling us that Stephanie is the "Sesame Street" of the bunch because "one of these things is not like the other... she's not even a model!" Today's letter of the day is K for Karma, kids.
Tuck this little rant into the back of your mind for later.
Today's Test Shoot is called "Strike a Pose." Oh, like the Madonna song, “Vogue.” The girls will have 60 seconds to pose as many times as possible while wearing a pair of glasses made by… wait a second… Vogue Eyewear. Wait… like the song? Oh Nigel. You’ve done it again.
Judging today’s challenge is Coco Rocha of Team Coco, whom Nigel calls the “Undisputable Queen of Posing.” No offense Coco, but I’m fairly sure this is the Undisputable Queen of Posing:
Nigel tells us that Coco can pose up to 160 times in a single minute, which seems impossible right?
But she ain't lyin! I counted at least 49 poses in a 7-second span. She's like the Micromachines Man of Modeling! I can just see Karl Lagerfeld's ponytail standing straight up on its end in disbelief.
Now it's the time for the models to pose. My mother had this to say about Coco’s skillz: “Actors don’t like to perform after dogs. Really! Actors don't like to go on talk shows after animals because animals are so cute and people are so wrapped up in them that when you show up the audience is disappointed." I think this has something to do with the challenge, but she’s also on her 2nd glass of Merlot and has an orange cracker stache, so it's really up in the air at this point.
Jocelyn is up first after Coco's flawless routine. Zi Lin goes the unusual route of not actually putting the glasses on her face, while Devyn rocks the classic "Who? Me?" look:
Christy, who has an amazing body but has apparently forgotten to do her “face crunches” this week, forgets to make a single facial expression throughout the shoot.
Sandra is up next. She gets up on the platform, calmly moves all of her hair directly over her face, and begins posing. My mom shouted “She looks like Cousin It!” mere moments before Nigel echoed the same sentiment, which caused my mom to get so excited she nearly stomped her feet directly into the apartment below me.
The bottom 3 girls are Jocelyn, Zi Lin and Sandra. Then it slowly dawns on Coco: The three losers she singled out are all on Team Naomi. Coco tells us, "My first two thoughts are 1. Oh no and 2. Well, it was true."
The winner of the challenge is Madeleine, who is foreign and humble and immensely likable, so yay Madeleine!
At the loft, it's model eating time! I try to peer into their bowls to see what they're eating. It looks like consommé, but they barely "consummé" any of it. #Trytheveal #Dont #Thisisamodelingshow
Sandra continues to unravel in the Team Naomi room. She's chosen to aim her crosshairs at teammate Jocelyn, who should have known better than to engage anyone cocking her hands like pistols:
While Jocelyn tells Sandra to "keep her class," Sandra displays her best "Kathy Bates eyes" and threatens her with an ass-whooping. "This can be a murderer, I'm not kidding you." – Mom, possibly right?
This week's Campaign challenge will have each team shoot a 15-second ad for Cosabella Lingerie. The winner of the challenge will have a piece of lingerie named after them, which really isn't THAT big of a deal.
Each girl must choose a personality: Conservative, Sexy, Flirty, etc. Sandra on Team Naomi is happy to do CrazySexyCool (EMPH ON C-ZY) but so is Jocelyn. This escalates into a major fight, with the word "bitch" sprinkled in liberally for effect.
The other teams overhear the arguing and rather than try to break it up, they instead all run to get drinking glasses and eavesdrop in through the wall. Has everyone seen the same "Brady Bunch" episode that teaches you how to do this?
Poor Zi Lin attempts to break up the fighting on Team Naomi, but it’s kind of like watching a kitten begging King Joffrey to stop mercilessly killing innocent people on “Game of Thrones”:
Remember Team Karolina? They’re still around! Karolina thinks her team has this challenge locked up because she's a Victoria Secret model. In this case, Victoria's Secret is that her team is not going to win this one.
Naomi calls off her dominatrix appointment with Donatella Versace to whip her team back into shape. Please read that literally:
Cosabella's VP and guest judge Guido Campello arrives, and Team Karolina goes first. Halfway through, Christy decides she doesn't want to be in the “conservative” role anymore, and starts to vamp it up, pouting her lips and thrusting her hips etc. Ebony has no choice but to change her role from “sexy” to the more “conservative” one, and given that she’s in borderline “magic underwear,” this shouldn’t be that big of a deal. But Karolina’s team was lacking chemistry in this shoot.
Team Coco is next. The girls are all donning different versions of royal blue undies. Coco reveals a giant old timey director’s cone and begins to orchestrate her team’s movements from the side of the bed. Stephanie is sort of the “Fat Boy At The Pool” in this challenge, as she dons a super conservative but cute pajamas set. To be fair, I’d be in full beekeeper regalia during this challenge so #nojudgements.
Team Naomi, down to three, is next. The tension is ICY. But the ladies try to put their differences aside as they engage in your typical “girls being girls” lingerie pillow fight. To Sandra’s credit, she did not place a hidden anvil in hers. They weren’t bad, but all of the girls on Team Naomi seem to be missing something behind the eyes.
Judging time! Guido watches the three ads and decides that Naomi’s team is the best. Mmmm I thought Naomi’s girls looked the worst. Then again, I’m not the swanky Italian heir to a lacey thong throne, so what do I know?
Karolina and Coco meet with their girls to pick who should be sent to the elimination round. Karolina weighs her options and decides to put Christy up for elimination. Christy has this to say: “I hope that this week I would be up against Stephanie because I’m a better model than Stephanie and I have extremely long legs and bombshell hair.” Humble she ain't.
Coco is visibly shaken by her team's loss, and starts to cry while talking to her girls. I haven't seen a Coco this sad since Koko the Gorilla found out the devastating news about her pet cat All Ball:
Her team goes ahead and pre-wins next week’s “Looking Beautiful While Crying” campaign:
Coco fulfills Christy's wishes and picks Stephanie once again to go to elimination.
Deciding this week's loser is Diana Ross' great-grand niece Naomi Campbell:
She asks each girl why they deserve to be there over the other. Christy completely fumbles her answer, prompting Naomi to tell her "You do know, speaking is a part of modeling." It's also a basic human function that's just part of "being alive" but this is semantics let's move on.
Stephanie's response is much more detailed, with references to her drive and determination. "I don't want to be the rookie anymore." It's getting all Rudy Ruettiger up in this peace, and I'm loving it. "Excellent answer! Excellent. What an articulate girl." My mother is bowled over by Stephanie's eloquence.
Guess what? Miss Bombshell Hair herself Christy is sent home. And her farewell speech is nothing short of THE WORST: "I’m 5'11" and 117 pounds, and the girl that got to stay is about 5'8" and probably 165 pounds." Here is my mother's reaction in full:
"What an ugly girl full of pimples! F*** off. 117 pounds? Wow, she's emaciated. I hope you lose two more pounds! I want less of you. And that's not true that the other girl weighs 165! Uch. Despicable."
Naomi saunters back into the main room and tells Coco she eliminated Christy for "the right reasons," and not in any way, shape or form as retaliation against Karolina for last week. But I think we're all guessing... that's completely not true. And it's delicious.
Next week our models put on heavy dresses and have to walk down a flight of steps. Where I come from, we call this "Must See TV."
What did you guys think of Christy’s elimination? Do you think Stephanie has what it takes to survive another week? Comments. See you there.